Matt's Site - Journal

Yeah, I thought I had it figured out. I decided I should go for the things I wanted (something I've never really done). But, I suppose part of drawing that "line" I mentioned before is taking in the input of the person you're pursuing. It sounds silly, but this is news to me. There are two different minds when it comes to this, so I need to continue making moves so that my actions are known, but also take the returning info to judge my next move.

And at this point, I'm ready to see the hints, instead of trying to remain oblivious to them. So I'll take a hint. In fact, I'll take all of 'em that I'm currently receiving. And I'll move on with my life. I like the sound of that. SOMN.

On another note, I miss having a good lady friend who could give it to me straight with this shit. But I guess people grow apart.

I lose track of myself sometimes. I finally saw how I've been getting caught up in the game of chasing girls again this summer-- even though, through my doing, I got rid of all the ones that were there two months ago.

So tonight I thought back to my first semester of college, almost a year ago, and how my lack of a need to get some led to me being more centered and collected. And how when winter came, along with the following semester, my new-found "need" for girls drove me crazy and took me away from what I wanted to accomplish.

Unfortunately, this seems like one of those situations where it's better to draw the line somewhere and balance between the two rather than pick an extreme (all I want is girls or I don't need someone at all). I say unfortunately because finding where to draw the line is more time-consuming (and hence won't help me get to sleep tonight) than the quick-fix short-term picking a side. I can't even be sure I'll know where to draw it to keep me sane the rest of the summer and prepared for when I go back to school.

I need to keep an open mind. I need to be able to take an opportunity when it crosses my path. But I also need to be able to know when to quit trying with a particular person so that I can continue moving forward. Because, it seems, that's really what's important about finding this evasive balance: being able to continue moving, developing, and furthering myself. As much as I'd like to think otherwise, there are simply some dead-ends that can't be made into roads in the amount of time I should spend on a person. It's a fact that'll be difficult for me to accept.

I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere with myself. I've been making every effort to do things I wouldn't normally do so I can make the changes I want. Normally that wouldn't sound good and be prone to some chastising but I'm at the point to where I'm picking the me path, not someone else's. So there's no contradicting advice to be given (unlike previously in my life).

Today I wrote a good post on why all my Facebook statuses are about what comes out of my rear-end. You should check it out. I've heard it's enlightening.

I'm actually happier than I've been in a while now, even through the pressure I've put on myself. I think it's because I know exactly what I want from myself and that has made it easier to actually accomplish, no matter what the challenge is. But my lack of sleep and 8-hour days at a desk are catching up to me (if you couldn't tell). My step dad said that's a common feeling you get as you get older. I am almost 19.. Haha. I'm gonna go relax.

Maybe I'm "stupid" for the people I've been cutting off. I see now that there's no one around and I'm getting a little restless. But maybe I was right in all that I did and this is just the shitty part when I'm alone and have to deal with the fact that life doesn't always stay perfect, especially during change. And maybe I took the right route by letting people go instead of putting them through the shit they would inevitably go through. Maybe I'm just a selfless bastard.

That was a joke. But seriously, I see that I expected everything to stay the same as it was in school, in terms of the people around me. I see at this point I just need to start over with some new people (because I'm sure many of the old ones won't want to, at least for now). That would make things better. For now, hell, I have a lot more time to make some music.

I just got back from my daily going-nowhere-in-particular drive, so I could finally think this stuff out.

It's been interesting how things have played out since coming back from school. I've had two friends say "I don't think we can be friends anymore" because of how I am now. I think people expected to see the same me that I was months ago. Instead they got someone who actually expected something from them (for once), instead of someone who simply takes what they're given.

Then there's the other factor. When these friends want to decide whether or not I deserve to have a favor done, the past wrongs I've committed come up, and this makes it impossible for them to focus on the now.

I'm only venting here because I can. I've told the one who did it to me tonight these exact things. The other thing is that simply, I'm seeing the point at which one (or both) person's changes finally causes the friendship bridge to collapse. Most relationships can deal with small swaying from changes in their environment but there is a threshold at which the connection was not built to withstand, and it simply collapses under the weight and decay of it all.

I'm finally settled in again- for a few more days. I'm in Memphis for a while before we head up to and across Virginia.

This time has made me realize how much I appreciate stability but love it's counterpart. I've been living out of a suitcase for four weeks now and I've gotten to do what I love most: experience. I've met more people and seen more places than I would've if I was just in one place. And that alone is worth more than the good things stability brings to the table.

So I'm making my way back east from California with my dad these next couple of days. Today we're staying in Utah. Last night was Vegas-- that was incredible. This has all been one hell of an experience.

Tomorrow we head to Denver. But this whole experience has given me some time to clear my head. When I got back to Manassas, more than any time before I was able to keep who I had started to become at school (the new me) and carry it over to being back home. This helped my cause. I raised the bar for my friends back home and that weeded out some of the ones who I didn't really need or, for that matter, want around.

My head's been clear, I guess is what I'm saying. But I'm still not ready to live in that place for three months. I need someone I can have fun with, most importantly. And a steady job and my own ventures taking off a bit would be icing on the cake. But quite frankly, I don't know much of what I want to do with myself right now because being a bum, easy summer living, and having some good people around me is all I need to be happy now. If only it were so simple.

And this kinda pisses me off. During finals, the very last week of my freshman year of college, I decide I want to put effort into my studies. I was chasing this superficial crap all semester long and I finally found something good, but it came at a price. I don't regret anything that I did this semester because I wouldn't be where I am without my fuck-ups. But it kinda sucks. Sometimes you just can't help but feel that way.

I think I'll have it all down from here out.

I need to take a mental health day. Once again, the idea of even something as simple as this paper is keeping me from actually doing it. I need to do it on a day where I can relax a bit more and simply get it done. This procrastination did me in. And I know I'm making excuses for not going to this today. But once again, I need to deal with it myself.

I'm back to my normal self. I'm not going to sweat everything so much. I made a to-do list on post-it notes so I can make sure I get everything done in a day. I'll tackle these last six weeks of the semester. And then recuperate in a less-demanding location when summer comes.

I'm also trying to avoid any time-intensive things on the computer. Twitter will be my best friend for a while.